aLaPaAp

30 November 2009 @ 08:45 pm

hmm. pano mo masasabi na inlove ka na naman ulit?

i know it's not healthy to make comparisons pero iba talaga.

yung 1st bf ko, sobra ko siyang minahal. akala ko mahal niya ako. pag iniisip ko lahat, kahit gaano kawalanghiya ang mga ginawa niya saken, matapos ang lahat ng mga nangyari, iniiyakan ko pa rin siya. magpasa hanggang ngayon.

sinasabi ng lahat na si bf2 na. siya na talaga. wag ko na siya pakawalan dahil he's a hundred times more worthy of my love and attention kesa kay bf1. i know he really loves me. he makes sure na alam ko yun. he even wants to meet my parents, ako lang naman itong hessitant.

scenario: farewell party:
so i was having a real conversation with bf1's previous cabin mate. we talked about bf1 for like an hour. i remembered everything. i was able to feel the pain again. for 4 months of crying and making myself believe na i'm finally over him, and i had moved on, mali pala ako. lahat kumbaga pagkukunwari.

bf1's previous cabin mate offered to get me a drink, and the moment he turned he's back, i started to cry, as in cry ng isang babaeng naloko, na parang siya lang talaga ang nagmahal, na nagmukhang tanga at kahit hanggang sa huli, willing pa rin magmukhang tanga. when i got back to my cabin, i called home. i called bf2 and told him i went to the party and was able to speak with bf1's previous cabin mate and that i was crying because i remember bf1 and i felt that sting on my chest again. i don't know i must be really mean, but i told bf2 i still remember everything and that though i told him i was ok, honestly i wasn't.

bf2 told me that everything will be alright. i'll be able to move on. whenever i felt like crying, he told me to just think of him, which is the right thing to do... right?!?!
don't get me wrong, i love bf2.... but bf1 is just... different.

i'm really thankful for bf2 because he's always there and loves me so much.

minsan naman masarap yung feeling na mas mahal ka kaysa mas mahal mo di ba?

1 BaNaNa Lover | Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

20 October 2009 @ 01:58 am

3 months 3 weeks

4 months or 12 weeks.
ganun lang tayo katagal.

ngayon nga 3 months and 3 weeks ka ng nakauwi sa pinas.
naiisip mo pa kaya ako?
naalala mo pa kaya kung sino ako?

1 week na lang kung gano katagal naging tayo, ganun na rin katagal na nagkahiwalay tayo.
parang forever.
hindi ako makapaniwala hanggang ngayon umiiyak pa rin ako.
hanggang ngayon nasasaktan pa rin ako.
hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin kita.

hirap na hirap na ako.
hirap na hirap na akong umasa na babalik ka pa sakin.
nasasaktan akong isipin na masaya ka na sa iba.

hindi naman totoo yung pagpaparaya.
niloloko lang ng isang tao ang sarili niya pag sinabing kung mahal mo siya, palayain mo siya.
hangga't maari mas gusto mo na mahalin ka rin niya.

gusto ko nang umuwi, ayaw ko na dito, kung lahat lang ay magpapaalala sa lahat ng nangyari sa atin.

someone help me, hindi ko na kaya, hindi ko na kaya.

Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

29 September 2009 @ 10:36 pm

all about you

i don't know wha it is with you that i really like.
you're not that good looking anyway,
you're not even the type that i would have a crush on.
but i'm still so into you.

since the day you left, i've been crying every night.
i know this is so stupid, that i look pathetic, but there's nothing i can do.
everytime i shed a tear for you, i've been wishing you would have an idea of how hurt i am.
i can't even seem to think you can manage half of the pain i'm feeling right now.

if this is deadly, i would have been dead 3 months ago...
if every tear is worth a penny, i'll be a gazillionaire...
if every minute i spent thinking of you can be recalled, i could have spent 12,960 minutes thinking of something/one else.

you are my first. i really wanted you to be my last.
i don't think i can love someone as much as i loved you.
it has been 3 months, but i am still hurting, i am still crying.
if only you would realize how precious you are to me.

as i have told you, i'll never stop loving you, even if you said it can't be.
isn't that just an excuse to free yourself and go love someone else?
how cruel can a person be?
how can you take lying, making me believe everything is fine when in fact, it's all falling apart?

you could have told everything to me, when i was still not into you.
but it's too late, no matter how cruel you are to me, i still want you back.
i can't even think of anything that you would do to me to make me stop loving you.

i wonder how you are right now?
if given the chance to choose again, i would not have chosen to be in love anyway.
if this is what it's all about,
the pain is really killing me.

Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

02 August 2009 @ 02:48 am

fresh start

it must have been really evident how affected / bothered i was for this past month. thinking of what have happened to me, what he had done, really made me look like a fool. countless mistakes with regards to work continued that's why my supervisors have finally made the decision to assign me in NIGHT DUTY.

peace at last.

i won't feel any pressure. i won't feel stressed. i have experienced a lot, so i guess it is my time to do the night shift. when everyone else is asleep, dreaming whatever it may be, i won't have any irritating guests approaching the desk during the wee hours of the night.

very nice.

4 more months.

i can't wait to go home.

i really learned a lot.

there's no point in sulking, living in the past.

yes there were good times, but the bad times made me forget about myself, and only think about him.

he was my first. i know it is hard to forget. but im trying.

i wont' be a hyprocite. even if he's gone for over a month and probably got married with his girl back home, i still tend to cry at night.

there's still a part of me wishing that our days together did not ended.

i still badly want him.

not really love, but want.

i guess it just means i like the thought of being in love, and not really in love with the person.

i do owe myself some loving too.

enough crap.

1 BaNaNa Lover | Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

13 July 2009 @ 11:20 pm

you better not read this if you're not in the mood to get pissed.

tangina lahat ng mga taga beverage.

------

so there you are, here i am, saying that you miss me so much. even if you're there, you still think of me.

tangina ka talaga.

here i am, being such a fool, believing in everything that you said. i thought all of it was true.

tanga ko talaga.

then it is confirmed. you will get married. i don't care when. but all i know is that it's not with me.

tangina ka talaga.

how can i be so gullible? even if i have proven that you still love her, i believed what you said, that the one you chose was me, not her.

tanga ko talaga.

i hope you're happy.

you think through you dying will make me forgive you? will make me forget all this pain?

well you're wrong. i want you to live, i want you to feel the guilt for the rest of your life for what you have done.

i have given everything. as in everything. now all my dreams are ruined because of you. i have given up the thing i have treasured most.

i regret to have met you.

you ruined my life.

i will never forgive you. your own conscience will kill you.

hindi ka na naawa.

Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

06 June 2009 @ 01:32 am

(no subject)

i need to be strong.

for whatever decisions i make, i must face all the consequences that comes with it.

no regrets.

---------

minsan ang daling sabihin, pero kung iisiping mabuti, sobrang hirap gawin.

i need to be strong: there's no one i can trust but myself. since everyone i ever trusted for my whole life are miles and miles and miles away, I am alone, but i have no choice. this is where fate has taken me.

for whatever decisions i make, i must face all the consequences that comes with it: we learn from our mistakes. yes. no one is perfect. everyone makes a mistake. it's just a matter of how one deals with it.

no regrets: this is the hardest phrase/sentence/fragment/whatever-it-is to justify. how can there be no regrets? when one has given everything, and yet all the efforts were useless.

---------

i thought love is the most wonderful thing? it has failed me and even played with my sanity.

iba ang sinasabi ng puso sa sinasabi ng utak.

nakakapagod ng umiyak. gaya nga ng sabi ko dati, the heart gets worn out too.

1 BaNaNa Lover | Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

04 June 2009 @ 03:13 am

time to vent

after almost 5 months being onboard, finally i can be myself again.

it is really hard going abroad. though the pay is really good, i miss a lot of things.

one of the reasons why i decided to go abroad would be to find someone who'll like me, and apparently, being in a ship guarantees any woman to be an idle (or anito) in no time.

let's start from the beginning,

fine. i was like 1 week being on board and coming back to my cabin at around 1am seeing a stolen cake from the bakery is really sweet.

message says: "just keep on smiling-paul"

wow. my first so-called serious suitor after 22 years.

he says he likes my smile.

courtship begins and after 1 month, we are together (or we were together?)

he is my first. i gave everything. as in everything. it is really silly to think how i am so not like this. when i was younger, i thought people in love do stupid things. they become really corny or mushy, or i'm just being bitter because back then, i never knew what love was.

there came a time where i thought to myself, it is not serious. i know life is really different on board since we are sort of isolated from reality.
i even tried to be quite distant so that my feelings won't grow into something that would be hard get over with, since his coming home in 3 weeks.

i know for a fact that there's nothing more after this, i will be left here, and he's going home. i won't see him again since he do have other plans, and i am not in it.
-----------------------------------

pagod na pagod na akong umiyak. pagod na pagod na akong masaktan. sinabi ko naman na tanggap ko na lahat, na wala naman nakakaalam kung anong mangyayari, uuwi ka na, ako after 5 months pa.

takot na takot akong mag-isa.

sabi ko, ba't hindi na lang tayo mag-enjoy. sabi mo, hindi pede yun.

sabi mo mas lalo lang akong masasaktan kung lagi pa tayong magkasama eh pauwi ka na rin naman.

putang ina.

napag usapan na nga na hindi ka na tatawag sa akin, yun naman ang gusto mo. bakit tumatawag ka pa rin?

hirap na hirap na ako. hindi na kita maintindihan.

kahit naman sabihin ko sa iyo na ayaw kong bumitaw, wala naman akong choice.

long distance relationship does not work.

mahal na mahal kita. hindi ko na nga maisip kung ano na mangyayari sakin pag uwi mo.

hindi ko maexplain yung sakit. sasabihin mo, lalayo ka na, na dapat maintindihan ko yun dahil matalino ako. dahil ako rin naman ang mahihirapan pag hindi ko sanayin ang sarili kong mag-isa. sabi mo pa nga may kanya kanya tayong mga buhay.

fine.

someone help me get over this pain.

2 comments | Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

13 January 2009 @ 11:25 am

something new

it all boils down to whether or not i will pass the visa (which i did) so i don't know how many days i have left to stay here in the philippines.

the target date was jan 17, which is like 4 days from now.

ready na ba ako?

i hope so.

kayod marina na ito!

1 BaNaNa Lover | Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

27 December 2008 @ 12:07 am

is this it?

a lot has happened.

really.

i don't know where to start. perhaps this is what happens when i don't update my lj on a regular basis.

i'll be leaving soon.. pretty soon. in 22 days to be exact (if nothing goes wrong)

this is the perfect time when i do hope everythinng falls into place. seriously.

god knows how much i have sacrificed for this.

thank you in advance.

2 comments | Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

10 October 2008 @ 07:38 pm

next time na magkita tayo isasampal ko sa pagmumukha mo ang medal ko!!

ok, here's just a short list of adjectives/ descriptions that are quite considerable for a person to be MAYABANG

1. Good Looking People: mga pinanganak na magaganda / gwapo na kapag tumabi sa mga pangkaraniwang tao eh parang latak na lang ng kagandahan yung mga katabi niya.

2. Intelligent Ones: they just simply know everything, as in everything.

3. Born Rich / Famous: tipong kahit maglustay ng pera, hindi pa rin mauubusan even for a lifetime; famous as in celebs, politicians, influential figures at iba pa.

4. Too Much Confidence: they think they belong to one or all of the points mentioned above, but actually they don't. (i don't think this one counts)

--------------
ok fine.

nasa service industry ang career na pinili ko.

but why are there certain people who just think too good about themselves?

there are those who THINK they are supreme.

oo nga the customer is always right.

pero is there really a need to say na they are educated, well in fact they are not acting like one.

sobrang mga conceited

kala nila porke sa hotel/restaurant nagtatrabaho ang isang tao, mga bobo at boba na ito.

kala nila sila lang nakapag-aral.

hello. kung hindi ba naman tanga, kahit nga mga housekeeping at bellman samen eh nakatapos ng four year course sa college.

-----------
Scenario No. 1:
Mga rank and File Employees ng mga Sikat na Companies:

hala kala mo kung umasta sila yung VP for Operations ng company. kapag sila nagchecheck-in, daig pa nila yung mga boss nila kung mang-utos. i have met really nice and grateful guests not knowing na sila na pala yung tipong Regional Director ng ganito, Presidente ng ganyang company, etc. etc. mas mabait at madali pa nga silang pakisamahan.

if i know yung mga rank and file employees na mareklamo sa mga kung anu-anong bagay ay MAS MALIIT pa ang sinusweldo saken, or sa mga co-hoteliers ko. BUTI NGA SA INYO.

Scenario No.2:
Mga mayayaman na akala mong Matatalino na din at the same time:

Siya: "Ah, miss.. meron ba kayong printer dito? may ipriprint lang akong document."
Ako: "Sir meron po. but our comp. doesn't have an external drive-cd rom o kaya usb port" [sabi ng IT para maprevent yung viruses --> i don't need to explain this to him]
Siya: "Ano ba naman yan. sige itatype ko na lang 1 page lang naman."
Ako: "sir, ako na lang po."
Siya: "No, I will be the one to type. I believe i'm 3 x [take note: THREE TIMES] faster in typing than you."
Ako: [makes face dahil sa asar]
Siya:[he then takes over my seat and begins to type... wow ang bilis nga puro yung dalawang index finger lang ang ginagamit, come on, a third grader is faster than him.] "ano ba naman yang keyborad niyo ang luma, yung ENTER hindi na functioning. bibigyan kita ng keyboard pagbumalik ako at ano ba yang MS word niyo 2003 pa."
Ako:[leche wag ka na bumalik] "wala po kasi kaming business center dito. wag na po."
siya:[types then finishes]"tapos na kaso kelangan ko mag-double underline."
ako;[bobo ka pala kala ko ba matalino ka] sir kasi po tinype yung document inside a table pero invisible yung border. mas madali kung sa excel file [haha bobo talaga]
siya: "sabi ko na nga ba dapat sa excel." [he then figures out how to double underline in MSWORD]. buti naman napagtiyaga ka sa isang hayop na tulad ko.
ako:[aba natumbok mo! walang expression ang face pero asar na asar na sa loob loob]

grabe wala man lang THANK YOU. kung meron medyo nawala pa pagkaasar ko. tapos he dashes of without paying for the 2 copies that he printed. puta ang kapal. bente pesos na lang hindi pa nagbayad. kung makapagreklamo at magdemand parang siya si Mr. Universe. tanga kung gusto niya ng high end na service dapat sa mga 5,6,7,8,9,10 hanggang 100 star na hotel siya nag check-in. ng makuha niya gusto niya. Nako. Kasi nagyayaman-yamanan lang, can’t afford sa mga mahal kaya samin pa nagcheck-in.

kala mo kung sinong magaling. if i know mas mataas pa nakuha ko sa physics class compared to you. at para saan pa ang pagiging uno ko sa lahat ng computer class nung college?

the next time i see you, i swear i will wear my medal.

****
post script:

i don't want to brag or anything. nakaasar lang yung ibang mga taong akala tanga or useless ka.

Current Mood:

pissed off

1 BaNaNa Lover | Do you want to eat my BaNaNaS?

Advertisement